Match.com

     You’d think I’d have learned from my previous experience in online dating that perhaps maybe it wasn’t for me. However, one night desperation got the best of me. I decided to drink as many beers as my stomach could hold and watch romantic comedies. That’s a terrible idea to begin with. Suddenly, a match.com commercial came at me when I was in my most vulnerable state. “SO MANY relationships come out of MATCH.COM!” “Only $30 a month!” Thirty dollars a month? That didn’t sound so bad. So I went online and signed myself up.

       The next day, I noticed in my banking that match.com had taken nearly $200 from me. As it turns out, they take the entire six months worth of money up front. That won’t do, I decided. I went online and tried to cancel my subscription. No dice.

      “At the end of the six month period, you don’t have to renew your subscription,” they promised. “In the meantime, you can hide your profile.”

       I didn’t. For $200, this little light of mine was going to shine, goddammit.

     I started getting the emails full of potential mates. "Steve likes dogs, like you! You share the same birthday month!" It was obvious that this dating service wasn't a very scientific program. Still, I started answering some of the men who took time out of their lives to write to me. 

     The first date I went on was just terrible. The guy was incredibly boring; his hobby was reading books about finance. He constantly interrupted me and tried to keep my little girl-brain interested in him with talks of his successful business and his (brother's!!) pet horse. I never saw him again and my eagerness dwindled.

  

      Time, as it does, marched on. The end of my Match experience was coming to a close and I started getting their threatening emails. “In THREE DAYS your chance at love is OVER.” “RENEW NOW to find THE ONE.” “You may as well start buying cat food…UNLESS YOU RENEW TODAY!”

     I also continued to get messages from potential suitors. One nice message exchange was happening between myself and a fellow Knicks fan named Kevin. He was fitting my requirements nicely; handsome, basketball fan, has a job, can spell. It didn’t hurt that he lived in one of the richest towns in the country, which is right near where I live. After talking for a week, we decided to get together to watch a Knicks game at a bar.

     As promised, I showed up in my Knicks t-shirt. As we spoke, I quickly discovered that Kevin was probably the guy in a group of friends that means well, but wouldn’t star in their sitcom. He was more of a dumb-but-lovable supporting character. I was blessed with the opportunity to see this first-hand because he was dead set on meeting up with ten of his closest friends at a nearby bar.

    Now, I wish I had known that there would possibly be more to the evening than just catching a Knicks game. As I mentioned, his town is a very ritzy place. The other bar he wanted to take me to was a much classier joint. But to quote Christopher Columbus, "Yolo".

     I was still in the middle of my beer when he told me I didn’t have to finish it; we could just go. However, I was really enjoying my beer. And the game was still on. And a 60’s cover band was about to play. Kevin, however, gave zero fucks. 

     “You just HAVE to meet Jeff!” Kevin gushed. “He is seriously the funniest guy ever. The thing is, Jeff gets really plastered and it gets a little embarrassing… I mean, he’s funny then too, but it’s not the same as when he’s just ON. You know?” 

    The more he told me about how funny Jeff was, the less I believed it.

    “And Jeff does this thing!” He started laughing. “He does this thing where he’s like, ‘Ah Kevin! You’re just an alley-cat, you! I know you! You’re just an alley-cat on the prowl!”

    I smiled politely and downed the rest of my beer. We left the bar before the cover band played AND before half time.

   

     It was cold out, but it wasn’t bitter. We walked up the street to the fancy bar, The Gingersnap.

  “Do you like stand up comedy?” Kevin asked. I was excited he asked this because it’s nice when guys ask questions. Also, I LOVE stand up comedy.

   “Yes!” I answered. “I’ve actually been listening to a lot of-“

    “DUDE you’re going to LOVE Jeff!”

    I walked faster.

   We got to the Gingersnap and quickly found the table where Kevin’s friends were congregated. No one judged my shirt as introductions were made.

    “Welcome to Frankie’s date,” the comedian known as Jeff said. Apparently the guy sitting next to him was on a second date with a mild-mannered Indian girl whose name I don’t remember. I had to laugh at Jeff’s comment. It was kind of funny to be crashing a second date as a first date.

   The more I spoke to the group, I realized Jeff was funny enough. He was also pretty nice. Know who wasn’t funny? Kevin.

    “Ah, Jeff!!” Kevin said. “You’re just an ALLEY-CAT, yeah?”

    “Yeah!” said Jeff. Instead of taking the bait to do the aforementioned alley-cat bit, Jeff decided this was the opportune time to tell the group of us a story about Kevin. In the story, he and Kevin went to a strip club. Kevin got a lap dance and bragged to everyone about the parting gift that the dancer gave him. This gift was a stain on his pants.

    Kevin and Jeff laughed. I laughed, but I also shared a look of wide-eyed befuddlement with the Indian girl. Jeff put away another drink.

    I should have let Kevin sit next to Jeff because he kept reaching over me to touch Jeff’s arm. 

  

    After a while, the group got smaller. Frankie and the Indian girl left. The rest of the guys decided to be middle school girls at that point.

    “She was SO LAME!”

    “Did you see what she ordered? Who gets a burger without a bun? And he had SWORDFISH. Weird choice here! This isn’t really a swordfish place!”

    “Oh my gosh,” I said. “Let’s make fun of her outfit next!”

   The guys looked at me and laughed.

    “She was fine, you guys,” I said in her defense.

    Kevin shrugged. “But she wasn’t cool. Like you’re cool. I could bring you here with all these guys and you talk and laugh. She didn’t do that.”

    “But I had the option,” I said. “I could have insisted we stay at the other bar-“

    But Kevin wasn’t listening anymore. He and Jeff got up to have a cigarette outside.

    “Like you, he doesn’t smoke” Match had promised. 

   

    “So how’s your first date with Kevin going?” a guy named Nick asked me.

    I laughed. “Good so far. He got me this drink, you all seem fun…I feel like I’m a confessional booth on Real World.”

    They laughed. We talked for a while. Kevin stayed outside for a very long time. I didn’t really mind, but I thought these guys could use another girl to flirt with, so I invited my cousin Belle to the party.

  

    By the time she arrived, the Kevin and Jeff wanted to go to a different bar. Kevin was super drunk and hanging all over me. Jeff was pretty drunk too, but he seemed to have his shit together a bit more. I was getting sleepy and hadn’t drank much in preparation for my impending drive home.

     “Nikiiiiiii” Kevin said, dropping half of his body weight upon my shoulders and kissing me on the head.

     “Hm?”

     “You don’t like me.”

     “You’re fine, Kevin!” I lied. I don’t like to be sad when I am drunk and I assumed Kevin didn’t, either. Plus I was having an adventure anyway. I just didn’t want to carry him through it. “You’re just a little drunk so could you just, like, not hang all over me?”

    He stood up straight and walked next to me. “I can’t wait to see that band!” he exclaimed.

    “They’re probably gone, it’s been several hours now. But I’m sure there will be some cool tunes!”

    I was right, there was a DJ. Kevin asked me what I’d like to drink.

    “Could I have water, please?’ I asked. “It’s getting pretty late and I need to drive home soon.”

    He came back with a liquor-infused concoction. This annoyed me.

     “Let’s dance!” Kevin said. I put my untouched drink down and did a twirl. I wasn’t really in the mood to dance. I was getting kind of cranky. I looked over at Belle who decided that Jeff wasn't funny at all and excused herself for a cigarette.

   “I’m going to dip you,” said Kevin. I decided to let him, because he was 6’2” and a pretty great dancer. What could possibly go wrong? He dropped me, lost his balance and fell down on me.

    “I’m getting a cigarette,” I announced, heading for the door. Jeff stopped me.

    “Your cousin. She’s…cool… I want my face on her face. Lip to lip action,” said Jeff, clapping his hands to emphasize his point.

    “Word.” I left him to dance with Kevin.

   Outside, I started talking to Belle and a group of boys. Most of them left and in the end, it was myself, Belle and a guy named Mickey. Mickey and Belle really hit it off.

     Back inside the bar, Kevin met some new girls to dance with.

   "Aren't you mad?" Mickey asked me."

    "No. She is doing me a favor."

    

    In the end, Mickey got Belle's number. They've gone out a few times and it seems to be going well so far. I guess you can find love through Match.com.